March 10, 2006

Trust no one

Posted in Uncategorized at 9:56 pm by deepthought

I trust too much, share so much, decide too fast and end up with traitors. Its better not to talk, trust and not think nor feel.  if i had the means and the choice i would like to go away……far away and clear my mind, my thoughts, my soul.  Its very hard when all your loved ones are gone. Why am i still here? Yes i know God has His reasons and He is the only one i am holding on to right now. I trust no one.

December 31, 2005

Its just another New Year’s Eve

Posted in Uncategorized at 8:41 pm by deepthought

For the first time in a long while, I was out when the clock struck midnight which means its Jan 1. I had my unit cleaned and it took a while so left the place past 11pm. Had to buy medecines, asthma attack once more specially with the haze of fireworks all around. 

As the car traversed the main road, I listend to my nano, Its just another new years eve. I guess I had always been listening to that during this period – a long time ago i recall when love was lost, twice, then the first holiday that mom was no longer here, and now, dad gone and I am all alone. Tried to be stoic or my tears will never end when they fall.

i thank the Lord for another year and pray for a better one. The past had always been really bad, sad and worsening. I hope all the negative forces will soon end.

December 27, 2005

shallow relationships

Posted in Uncategorized at 7:45 pm by deepthought

Was just cleaning some files and came across a photo of mine in honkong with an aunt and my cousin.  Mom loved her for she stood as their ‘eldest’ sister. Mom and her brother lived with them when they got orphaned. I used to call her my favorite aunt for she was ‘kwela’. A few years before mom passed away, when this aunt of mine based in the US visited manila, she told mom they want to visit honkong. Mom volunteered me to go with them so they can stay in my friends house for free. Can you imagine, we spent just to be able to accompany her family. Thats how much mom cared for her and her relatives.

When mom passed away, my aunt didnt fly home. She sounded fuzzy over the phone wanting to make sure her daughter bought flowers to be placed near mom’s coffin. Of course I understood that flying here is expensive unless perhaps if the person who passed away was close family. Well mom treated them as one.

What I didnt understand, was after just a few months, she flew to manila to be a god mother to a wedding of her friend. Wow! That floored me!

When I learned that dad was rushed to the hospital as I was out of the country, the first person I called was my cousin (my aunts daughter0 for she lives in the same village. She never answered the phone. Later she said she overslept.

A few months ago, as I was fixing some stuff in the masters bedroom, I saw a copy of a letter written by dad to my aunt. When mom was seriously sick in the hospital he begged relatives for help in securing a special medication which cost dearly. He asked my aunt to buy one since she had access to discounts being in the medical field.  When mom passed away, dad wanted to return the medication which he paid for (unlike other relatives who never asked payment) since it was not touched. She refused to accept it for she said refund is not possible. Dad sarcastically offered her to buy our house for he said he needs the financial assistance.

Now more than ever do I understand why dad is usually bitter with many of our relatives who gush over him when he can shower them with money and treat them to posh places. When push comes to shove they forget everything.

 

December 13, 2005

a frustrated state

Posted in Uncategorized at 8:02 pm by deepthought

I guess I had always been in a depressed mode since a loved one left me alone in this earth. it just didnt show often – perhaps when i am by myself and whenever I feel that all seems to just be going wrong.

My trust in the Lord is the only thing that keeps me going plus the fact that I know the only two people I trust who are no longer here will always be looking after me.

I don’t like to spend christmas at home. I want to go somewhere. I really don’t know where I will go. Somewhere near? cebu? honkong? i would love europe or the US but its too far and expensive.

I just surfed through some cruise sites but cant find something really interesting and affordable.

It’s raining at four o’clock in the morning and I have not yet slept a wink. This makes me more depressed and really sad.

December 11, 2005

who do i trust?

Posted in Uncategorized at 7:23 pm by deepthought

this thought often enters my mind specially recently. I used to have a couple of names, mostly friends, no relatives at all. but only time will tell if i shall continue to still trust those names. I trust God, only Him and the Blessed Mother. People? Hmmm….A seeming simple question but not easy to answer. specially as I get older, the more discerning I get, the lesser the people I trust and the more cautious I tend to be.

the anonymous blogger

Posted in Uncategorized at 7:08 pm by deepthought

I have a couple of public blogs. There are times though that I can’t write some thoughts in those for fear of being misconstrued, stepping on some toes, or charged with being melodramatic. I then decided to start an anonymous blog in cyber space.

maybe an outlet when depressed or overhyped 🙂